Tag: campaign

Our Choices So Far — part 2

Well, it’s nearly done. Unless there is an intervention by God Himself, or the Ghost of Reagan, it looks like Trump will be the Republican nominee. This means in about six months, one of the following will be elected as our new president:..

Option 1: Uncle Bernie. Bernie is like that crazy old uncle you see at holidays, he always saying the most ridiculous but lovable things. He’s so sweet and he means well, he just has no idea how anything really works. You just want to hug him. You really wish you could live in his world. And his ideas, they’re such nice thoughts, just so impractical. “They should give everybody free Twinkies on Tuesday. Twinkies for everybody, who’s with me. And puppies. Puppies for everybody. Nobody can be sad if they have a puppy.”

Option 2: The Wicked Witch of the West. That’s not really fair, there is a fundamental difference between Hillary and the Wicked Witch. The Wicked Witch of the West never gave a flying monkey what anyone else thought of her, and she certainly never changed her agenda to gain anyone’s approval. So… my apologies to Wicked Witch fans everywhere, she is clearly the more respected of the two.

Option 3: A giant talking oompa-loompa turd coated in a weird mixture of skin bronzer, dorito dust, and buffalo sauce, and possibly possessed by the ghost of Hitler.

Yeah. That’s it. Those is our choices. I think Sophie had an easier choice. (What, too soon?)

So, is anyone else out there beginning to wonder if maybe free Twinkies isn’t our least dangerous option?

Our Choices So Far

It is a long ways to November, and I’m not gonna make it unless I scale back a bit. So for now, at least until I can’t stand it any longer, this is all I have to say about the presidential race…

In no particular order…

Hillary Clinton – is an opportunist. She is untrustworthy. She has an open marriage with the truth. She will say or do anything if she thinks it will get her votes. She has no real character and no real direction. Her only goal for becoming president is to become president. No one knows what she would do if president, but we could always hack her mail server to find out. But… She is a better choice than Trump.

Ted Cruz – is a mean little obstructionist wing-nut. He has alienated everyone in Congress. Even other Republicans don’t like him. He is more concerned with winning a political point than doing what is right for America. Despite claiming to be a Constitutional scholar, he would completely dismantle the 1st Amendment given the opportunity. He is everything that is wrong with modern American politics. But… He is a better choice than Trump.

Marco Rubio – is an ineffective first term junior Senator, completely beholden to his party establishment, and who religiously clings to the party line, even when it makes him look like an idiot. In other words, he is basically the Republican version of a Barack Obama. He is inexperienced, he is a lightweight, and he is in way over his head. But… He is a better choice than Trump.

Bernie Sanders – is a democratic socialist in the European tradition. He will increase government spending. He will increase taxes. He is convinced you will be better off for it. I am not convinced. Though he means well, many of his plans are naive at best, catastrophic at worst. But… He is a better choice than Trump.

Donald Trump – is a giant gasbag full of hate, nonsense, buffoonery, and bacon grease. He wants to make America great again by getting rid of all the Mexicans and Muslims, much like a certain German politician wanted to restore the Fatherland by getting rid of the Blacks and the Jews. He laughs at the handicapped. He enjoys watching his minions beat up protesters. He doesn’t realize Mexicans have developed a new anti-wall technology called “tunnels”. He could be the villain in an Austin Powers movie, but he would have to tone it down a bit. He is a better choice than Re-animated Zombie Hitler, but not by much.

America – there are only four viable non-Trump choices left – as distasteful as it is, we have to pick one of these four idiots to be our next president. At this point, I don’t even care which one, just pick one of them. I will go along with whoever you like. We can try again in four years, with a different set of idiots. But seriously… literally any candidate but Trump.

Ben Carson’s “Testimony”

First, let me say I do not think all Christians are liars. I have met many who are not. Many are good, honest, hard-working, people.

I will even go as far as to say it’s possible there are some Evangelicals out there who are not liars. Somewhere. Maybe. So I’ve heard. There have to be, right?

But… I’ve seen this game first hand, and all too often. This “testimony” performance that’s required of Evangelicals. Might as well call it “Lying for Jesus”. The thing is, these people actually believe it’s okay to “exaggerate” or “embellish” their story, if it means “saving” someone. So yeah, they are perfectly comfortable with people having their conversion, and by extension their entire faith, based upon a lie. Just so long as it gets them to heaven.

And what’s more, they then have the audacity to expect you to believe everything else they say as cold hard fact, even while they continue to “exaggerate” and “embellish”. And they become genuinely offended when you refuse to believe them. This is why I have such a hard time taking them seriously about anything. Especially when they run for president.

As to the argument that Jesus told stories too… Yes, Jesus told parables, but… It was always clear to the listener that he was telling a parable. And he never, ever, told one of his stories as if they were his own actual personal experiences. So no, fluffing up your award-winning “testimony” story is not the same as Jesus telling a parable. Not even close.

Swing State

One of the “benefits” of living in a swing state is we get to see all of the campaign commercials. Two in particular have been making the rounds, one featuring Obama, and the other featuring Bill Clinton for Obama, both basically suggesting we need to continue on the same path, and eventually it will all work out.

This reminds me of that little kid at the party who keeps trying to do the magic trick, but never quite gets it right. “Is this your card?” “No wait, here, is THIS your card?” “No, hold on, let me do it again, is this your card?” “No?” Eventaully his mommy will come along and tell him that’s enough, and to go play in his room now.

Now let me be clear, I don’t think Obama is the Devil. I don’t think he is the anti-Christ. I don’t think he is a Socialist. I don’t think he will plunge this country into a thousand years of darkness. (Really Chuck? A thousand years of darkness?). But, I am getting tired of waiting for his magic trick to work, and I think maybe it is time for him to go to his room.

Only problem is, then we have to talk to creepy Uncle Mitt, and he always calls us “sport” and “champ” and rubs our head and asks how our lacrosse team is doing this year, and I don’t know what to say ’cause I don’t even know wtf lacrosse is.