Author: curtis.wiggins

Heaven, God’s Office

SCENE: Heaven, God’s Office

God: Hey Jesus, you got a minute?

Jesus: Sure Dad, what’s up?

God: Sometimes I just don’t understand these people. You’ve been down there, help me out here…

Jesus: What did they do this time?

God: There’s this one guy, see. He’s been praying and praying for months now, wants help with his business, sales are down, he’s losing money, just on and on and on right?

Jesus: Gee Dad, that sounds like a legit request.

God: Well, sure it is, that’s not the problem

Jesus: Then what’s the problem.

God: Okay, so I go to help him right. He’s this baker, does wedding cakes, that’s his specialty, but nobody’s getting married. So I think, hey, where’s the next big untapped marked for wedding cakes?

Jesus: Oh, Dad, you didn’t….

God: Sure I did. Why not….

Jesus: The gays?

God: Sure, the gays, there’s been plenty of “being fruitful and multiplying”, I figure it’s their time.

Jesus: So, you…

God: So I moved a few hearts on the Supreme Court, bada-bing, next thing you know, you’ve got gay weddings out the wazoo.

Jesus: Okay, well… win-win I suppose… What’s the problem

God: This guy, this baker guy, he won’t serve the gays. He won’t sell them a cake. Says you told him not to.

Jesus: Hey, I never said…

God: I know, I know…. but he thinks you did, and that’s all it takes, right?

Jesus: But I LOVE weddings, remember the wine trick?

God: Son, everybody remembers the wine trick, it was epic, but this guy, he thinks he can’t sell a cake to the gays because you said so. And now he’s missing out on all this extra business I brought him, and his business, well it’s headed straight down the crapper.

Jesus: Okay, so, I’m afraid to ask but… What do you me to do about it

God: Could you, you know maybe, just go down there and talk to him?

Jesus: GO DOWN THERE?!

God: Just a quick trip, you’re in, you’re out…

Jesus: Go DOWN There? Are you SERIOUS? Last time I went down there they nailed me to a tree.

God: Just real quick, you stop in, see this one guy…

Jesus: Seriously, holes through my hands and feet, Dad. Do you KNOW how much physical therapy I went through after that?

God: I know, I know, but…

Jesus: I still have to wear special sandals…

God: And I’m sorry about that, but this guy…

Jesus: Dad. My hand whistles if I wave too quickly.

God: But this guy…

Jesus: Nope, no way. I’m not going back. Not for cake. He’ll just have to find a new career.

God: That’s your final answer?

Jesus: It is. …. Anything else?

God: Well…

Jesus: What?

God: It’s just…

Jesus: What is it?

God: You see, there’s this flower guy…

END SCENE

Confederate Flag Flies Again in Marion County

http://www.mynews13.com/content/news/cfnews13/news/article.html/content/news/articles/cfn/2015/7/7/confederate_flag_marion.html

Okay, time to layer in some complexity, this one is probably not as obvious as you think it is…

1) Marion County has a “five flags” display outside their courthouse, in other words they fly the historic flags of the five nations (France, Spain, Britain, USA, and CSA) which at one time or another have flown over the state of Florida. That the Confederate States was one of those five nations is a historical fact.

2) If you are going to have a “five flags” display, the flag representing the Confederate States should be one of the three (or more counting variations) national flags of the CSA, and not the “battle flag”, which was never used as a national flag. Setting aside for the moment the racial connotations the battle flag has taken on after the war, it simply is not the correct flag to fly to represent the nation that was the Confederate States of America. To Marion County’s credit, the flag they use is the third national flag of the CSA, and not the battle flag.

3) While the display is both historically valid and accurate, one should remember that lynchings were widespread across the South up until the mid 1930’s, and Marion County led the state in the number of lynchings of black men. Florida as a whole had more lynchings of blacks per capita than any other southern state. I’m not sure historical validity and accuracy is of much comfort to the families of those who were murdered not that long ago based on the color of their skin.

4) I wonder why supporters of Marion County’s flag display aren’t doing more to honor and embrace their French, Spanish, and British heritage in the same way they embrace their very brief period under CSA sovereignty. I honestly can’t remember the last time I saw a royal French or Spanish flag flying from the back of a pickup truck, and Union Flags in these parts are pretty much only used to identify Doctor Who fans (a few of whom do drive pickup trucks).

A modern redneck’s guide to modern life…

These times, they are a-changin. And changing fast. Sometimes it’s easy to get left behind, and not know how to behave in this brave new world we live in. Here then are a few pointers for those of us having difficulty coping….

1) It’s okay to use the word “gay”, but only for things that are actually gay, for example “A rainbow colored White House is so gay.” It’s not okay to use “gay” to mean lame, as in “A rainbow colored White House is so gay.”

2) You no longer need to say “gay marriage” as now simply “marriage” includes both “straight marriage”, “gay marriage”, and “puppy-dog-kitty-cat marriage”. If you still need to make the distinction in conversation, try something like “all dude marriage” or “chick marriage”

3) Your rebel flag is no longer socially acceptable. This doesn’t mean it can’t still be part of your life. While official state sanctioned displays may be gone, personal displays are still okay. Just remember, the more people see it, the more people will wonder if you’re a racist. A small banner underneath stating your actual racistness, for example “100% Southern, 60% Racist”, will save a lot of questions. Or, consider instead a private in-home display. I recommend a tasteful display on your bedroom wall, right next to your Rhodesia flag.

4) Most other expressions of Southern Pride are still acceptable, but be aware of the occasion and your audience. For example, shouting “Yeehaw!” is still acceptable in many situations, but there are exceptions. For example, shouting “Yeehaw!” is now considered to be in bad taste during a cross burning. Those are meant to be solemn affairs. You can still have fun, but please keep a sense of decorum. Also funerals.

5) And lastly… Sorry, but public lynchings are still a major faux pass. Try to avoid if possible. But if unavoidable, please keep the “yeehaw’s” to a minimum, and be sure to send thank-you notes to all involved afterwards.

A quick conversation about a certain flag…

“We should ban the flag, it represents the losing side of a horrible war that nearly destroyed our county, and many people see it as a symbol of hatred and racism.”

“No, we should keep the flag, it’s not about hate. It’s a symbol of our heritage, it represents the pride we have in our culture, our values, our way of life.”

— a conversation that never happened in post-war Germany

A few thoughts on the Confederate Battle Flag….

1) Yeah, I get it, it looks cool.

2) Yeah, I get it, you’re Southern, and you’re proud if it.

3) Yeah, I get it, I understand that the giant battle flag flying at the intersection of I-4 and I-75 is meant to be a memorial to confederate soldiers.

But, none of that matters to me, because…

4) A long time ago I personally decided I would not display it, because I have good friends, friends who are very dear to me, to whom that flag simply IS a symbol of hatred and racism. Now I could spend all my time educating them, and all the new friends and acquaintances I would make throughout my life, on why it’s not really a symbol of hate, at least not when viewed in its proper historical perspective, and why it is nothing more than a harmless symbol of southern pride and heritage. But I thought, even if it were possible, I have much more important things to do with my life.

And it shouldn’t matter to you either…

5) For those who continue to insist that the confederate flag has nothing to do with hate: Are you kidding me? Nothing to do with hate? The KKK adopted it as their flag. It’s their number one go-to symbol. White supremacists everywhere use it as their flag. Pull your head out of your ass, of course it’s a symbol of hate.

Maybe it didn’t start that way, but that is what it has become. Maybe that’s not what it means to you personally, but that most definitely is what it means to others. It’s time we grew up and faced today’s reality.

As a community, having that flag fly at our largest crossroad is like putting up a giant sign that says “Niggers Go Home”. You can talk all day about “History” and “Heritage”, but that’s what it says to the rest of the world. Don’t believe me — I’m sure you pride yourself on having at least one black friend, ask him or her what that flag means to them.

It’s time we grow up, face the truth, understand what the flag symbolizes today, not a hundred and fifty years ago, but today, and recognize it’s time we put our racist relics behind us, and try to act like decent human beings to ALL of God’s children.

And lastly…

6) For those of you who say it’s about “Freedom”. That you have the freedom to fly that flag, that it is your right to display it. Yep, you’re right. You are one hundred percent correct. We live in a free country. By flying that flag, and in a thousand other ways, you have the absolute, constitutionally protected, right to be an asshole.

Baltimore Explained

I’ve been looking through the pictures of the rioting and looting in Baltimore, trying to make some sense of it, and all I’ve come up with is this. All the pictures of looters show them coming out of the stores with toilet paper. Seriously, along with whatever else, they’re all grabbing TP. All of them. We may be missing an important and critical aspect of this story. Nobody talks about it, but when you gotta go, you gotta go. And if you gotta go, you gotta have that paper. If the people in Baltimore need toilet paper so badly they’re willing to burn down their city to get it, maybe we should listen. If we can break the cycle of violence with a few multi-packs of Angel Soft, maybe that’s a price worth paying. Hey, if it stops the rioting, I’m willing to send in a roll or two. Who’s with me? ‪#‎TP4Baltimore‬‪ #‎EveryWipeIsImportant‬

Save the Christians

I recently saw a post on Facebook of a cartoon, it depicted a handful of protesters/activists/whatever holding up signs saying save this species or save that species or save this other species, while basically lamenting that no one was interested in saving the Christians. This is just one example of many with this same theme, the Endangered Christian.

Okay, here’s the thing… Christians are NOT an endangered species. There are nearly two and a half billion (that’s “billion” with a “B”) of them on the planet. There are more Christians than any other flavor of human. BY FAR. If you are Christian, you don’t get to play the oppressed minority. You ARE the majority. You ARE the culture. You ARE the dominant force in our society. You’ve won.

Need proof? Look at your money. The single most important non-religious artifact in our society, and you get to stamp the name of your God all over it. And speaking of money, we let you operate multi-billion (that’s “billion”, with a “B”) dollar industries, doing pretty much whatever you want, unregulated and TAX FREE. No one else gets that deal. No one.

Look, just because we may occasionally stop you from forcing some of your more onerous Christian beliefs on the rest of us, that does not mean that you’re endangered. No one needs to save you from the brink of extinction. If anything, we need saving FROM Christians. Too many Christians just aren’t happy unless their spreading their Christianness all over the rest of us, whether we want it or not. God, please save us from the Christians who are attempting to save us.

Seriously, you are free to do anything you like. Whatever your God requires of you, do it. But you are NOT free to require the same from the rest of us. You decide what’s right for you. Not for me. Just you. Your rights end where my life begins. This is not oppression. This is freedom. Thank God for freedom!

Washington Redskins, Offensive?

A lot of people think this whole controversy over the name Washington Redskins is being blown out of proportion, that people are making a mountain out of a molehill, that it’s a tempest in a teacup, that it’s… well use whatever colorful metaphor you like, the idea is it’s no big deal, it’s not important, and everyone should shut up about it and get on with their lives.

Not surprisingly, most of the people saying this are white people. Here’s the thing: White people don’t get to say whether or not it’s a big deal. You know who does? Native Americans. White people don’t get to decide whether or not it’s offensive. You know who does? Native Americans.

If Native Americans say it is offensive, then it is offensive. If Native Americans say it is a big deal, then guess what? It’s a big deal. Period. End of story.

The truth is, unless you’ve ever actually been called “redskin”, or “nigger”, or “spic”, or “kike”, or “faggot”, you don’t know anything about it. Don’t for one second delude yourself into thinking that you do. You. Don’t. Know. And if that’s the case, get down on your hands and knees and thank your God you’ve never had to deal with that.

Web Sites Which Publish Fake News and Other Hoaxes

http://www.fortliberty.org/hoax-sites.html

That “news” article you read on Facebook that has you all worked up? Guess what? It was total bullshit.

These sites make serious money publishing bullshit. And by reading the bullshit, commenting on the bullshit, and re-posting the bullshit, you’re helping them make even more money. So they can publish even more bullshit.

It’s a vicious bullshit cycle. Please, break the loop. Stop feeding on the bullshit.